The Complexity of Mental Health After Pregnancy & Infant Loss

This month, Return to Zero: HOPE’s theme is the intersection of mental health and pregnancy and infant loss. I want to share some thoughts on the topic, as well as a little about my own experience. 

Mental health is especially complex when we have experienced the death of our baby.

This is not only because we are navigating the loss of a loved one. In addition to this grief, we have experienced a traumatic event (making us susceptible to signs of post-traumatic stress) and are dealing with postpartum manifestations. 

I don’t think it’s necessary to tease out what symptoms belong to what category. More importantly, you should be aware that expressions of grief, trauma, and postpartum can all be present. You can read more about normal grief reactions and navigating trauma on the RTZ HOPE website.

I know in my personal experience, I was numb for the first 6 months after Norbert died. I don’t remember much during this period of time. Then, I became pregnant with my daughter, and entered into “Pregnancy After Loss”, a time filled with extreme fear and anxiety, not certain that she would enter this world alive. I prevented myself from attaching to her, confident that if she died—and I wasn’t attached—it wouldn’t hurt so bad. (this, of course, isn’t true)

After she was born, my anxiety and hypervigilance skyrocketed. It first started as if someone was timing me with a stopwatch on everything I did. Like there was always a time pressure. I couldn’t sleep, even when she was sleeping. I couldn’t breathe because it felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest. I was afraid of everything. 

We aren’t told what to expect. We don’t know what’s normal. I was looking out for postpartum depression, but because I wasn’t sad or crying, I dismissed any mental health issues and wasn’t aware of other ways that postpartum could express itself.

I encourage you to become aware of how grief, trauma, and postpartum are expressing themselves.

Write in a journal or make a list on post-it notes. Then, find someone to share this with - so it’s not a secret, shameful, or taboo. Maybe this is a therapist, spiritual leader, or trusted friend or family member. It’s important to share what you’re going through so you don’t have to carry the burden alone. 

With love,

Kiley