Grief Through an Autism Lens

If you identify as highly sensitive or neurodivergent, how do you experience grief?

For those who know me, I appear stoic and don’t usually express emotions outwardly (which I can now attribute to alexithymia). My internal experience, however, is completely different, as I am highly empathetic and feel deeply. I became curious to understand how my response to my stillbirth could be viewed through an Autism lens.

From the time that I found out Norbert’s heart had stopped beating and through the birthing process, I became suddenly overwhelmed and unable to process anything. This sensory processing failure led to shutdown. When I asked my doctor what I should do (I needed guidance), she replied, “Maybe you should cry.”

In a split second, I experienced the loss of my assumptive world. I needed facts, information, a plan, guidance (from providers), which I did not receive. With this tremendous uncertainty, my fear and anxiety skyrocketed. 

I was in shock, numb, and dissociated–for 6 months. 

It’s important for us to understand that the appearance and needs of Autistic people may differ from the typical grieving person.

It’s also essential that we don’t forget about the postpartum period after pregnancy and infant loss. Even without a living child, the birthing parent is experiencing significant hormonal changes and a traumatic loss. We are still at risk for developing a postpartum mood and anxiety disorder.

For many years, I judged myself because I did not grieve in the “expected” way. It took me a very long time to process what had happened, and it was only through finding community with other bereaved parents that I was able to do this. With a new lens, I am trying to give myself compassion for grieving differently. We are all doing the best we can at each moment, with the information, guidance, and support we were given. 

To hear more about this topic, listen to my interview on the Divergent Conversations Podcast where I speak about Autism and Pregnancy Loss: An Autistic Journey of Grief and Identity.