For various reasons, we live in a society where there is a stigma towards taking medication for mental health.

I lived for many years under this cloud and suffered unnecessarily. I am sharing my own experience, as it might resonate with some of you.

I’ll start by saying that I have a history of depression and anxiety. Not suicidal thoughts, just a general low level of anxiety, depression, and a tendency towards perfectionism. I was on and off antidepressants throughout my 20’s. And even though they worked wonders, I was always trying to get off of them because I felt like it was “bad” to take any type of medication. I carried with me the cultural stigma against medications for mental health. 

Then when Norbert died, I was in a state of shock and numbness. I lived in this place for 6 months. (Read more about normal grief reactions and navigating trauma after loss)

After those 6 months, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, which carried me into a state of “pregnancy after loss” anxiety for the next 9 months. I was constantly anxious, in denial of my pregnancy, and refused to become attached to my baby. (Read more about pregnancy after loss)

When my daughter was born, I developed what I now know to be postpartum PTSD. For me, this manifested as persistent hyperarousal, difficulty sleeping, anxiety and panic attacks, difficulty breathing, and feeling a sense of unreality and detachment. (Read more about mental health after loss)

Because of my history of depression, I was consciously watching for signs of depression - sadness, lack of pleasure, crying. But none of these were present, so I thought I couldn’t have postpartum depression. I also was not aware that there are a variety of perinatal mood disorders.

At my 6 week postpartum visit, I did mention the anxiety to my OB, and she prescribed me an antidepressant. I was breastfeeding and anxious about taking medication, so when I didn’t see any reduction in my anxiety soon after starting the medication, I stopped taking it. (note: some medication is safe when breastfeeding - find a reproductive psychiatrist who is trained in perinatal mental health; also, it takes 4-6 weeks for antidepressants to work)

After I stopped breastfeeding, I decided to try medication again, as I was still in a constant state of hyperarousal. I stuck to it for months, with dose increases, and still nothing changed. The trauma of losing my baby had impacted me at my core, and I needed a doctor who understood trauma. Again, because I saw no improvements after more than 6 months, I stopped the medication. 

Keep in mind that I was attempting to use other tools to help reduce my anxiety: therapy, yoga, meditation, supplements, ayurveda, and massage.

Medication is also a tool, but what we don’t understand is that sometimes we need the medication first, before we can access the other tools. 

I was eventually able to get some relief from the anxiety from acupuncture and herbs. I was seeing an acupuncturist twice a week and taking herbs three times a day. That was a lot! However, I was able to feel some lessening of the oppressive symptoms. 

Fast forward another 8 years, along with having another child, I got to the point where I felt like I was crawling inside of my own skin. I hadn’t been able to sleep through the night for 10 years, always had a hard time breathing, and felt like I was in constant panic. I couldn’t take it any longer.

A colleague connected me to a reproductive psychiatrist who understood the impact of pregnancy, postpartum, and loss. She put me on a few medications at first to help me sleep and reduce the constant panic feeling. It was such a relief, nothing short of a miracle. I had been suffering so much for 10 years. 

Eventually after I was feeling better and stable, I was able to switch to less strong medications and less medications in general. I was also able to access my other tools, such as therapy, meditation, and yoga, which together helped me to achieve a holistic state of wellness.

Now I know that for me, quality of life is more important than not taking medications for mental health.

There may be a time in the future where I don’t need them, but for now, I’m comfortable and confident with the way it is.

To find a reproductive psychiatrist trained in perinatal mental health, you can look at the RTZ HOPE Support Directory or on the Postpartum Support International Directory.